The lessons of family

They came as and when they pleased and he couldn’t do anything to stop them. He had hid them from his parents and hid behind a perfectly mastered smile that was his facade. To everyone in his life he was a bubbly and jovial person who was always filled with positivity and always willing to lend a helping hand. Some might say he was being selfish by not letting anyone in on his pain and his problems and stop the burden with all that darkness and pain. He never wanted to admit it but all that pain was what kept him going. It made him know he could still feel. But he wasn’t always like this. Turn the time back to when his grandfather was still alive. Back when his smile was a true genuine one. It was the first time he ever lost someone in his life.

Another day of visiting his grandfather at the hospital but today was different. Today, he was with his cousins who decided to go to the bakery at the hospital to get a bite to eat before going to see their grandfather. After eating they took the lift up to the wards and as they got off the lift, to him there was a sudden wave of sadness that hit him and it was confusing because he never felt this way before when he came to visit his grandfather. He then sees his father in the distance coming out of the wards entrance and the face on him shows an immense sadness yet he hides it so well because he knows as a father he has to have a strong front for his son. Looking back at that exact moment he knows now he learnt the first reason to put up a facade in life. To show others that we’re okay and it has little or no effect on them. His father hugs him and tells him not to go in and see his grandfather, but he does so anyway and that is when he learns another lesson about who he is as a person. He is the one that needs closure. He sees his cousin standing next to the ward crying her eyes out and this hits him because he has never seen her cry in his life and the reality sinks in. This is what death does to us all. It breaks even the best of us. All this on his mind as he takes a few steps into the ward. The moment he enters ,he sees his grandfather lying motionless and till today what happened next will always remain a mystery as he has no recollection of it. The next few days that followed were of the family spending time at an uncle’s place till the day of cremation. To him it was an experience he would never forget. The passing of his grandfather just made him realise how big his family was and how important having family in his life was important as he knew how it was for his grandfather.

When the day came for his grandfather to be cremated he just couldn’t stop crying. He cried when it was his turn to put flowers on his grandfather’s body and when they started praying for him. The one moment that will forever be etched in his life is seeing his grandfather’s coffin being moved into the cremation chamber. The moment those two huge steel doors opened he knew that was it, he had lost a huge part of himself at that young age. He stood at the gallery crying his eyes out even after the doors closed. His aunt comes up to him with tears in her eyes and looked at him and told him it was time to go, just like it was his grandfather’s time to leave us. What happened the rest of the day will remain another mystery as he had no recollection of what happened after he left that gallery. He did return to that gallery again when he was a man but the pain and the memory felt like it was only yesterday. Till today he remembers that day and whenever he’s feeling down he still remembers his grandfather when he was alive and tears roll down to his cheek and once again he breaks apart and allows the voices inside his head to fill it with negativity and sadness .The Pain of losing someone that precious and important to him will haunt him forever as is such the role of death. But that was also the start of him being close with his cousins. The death of his grandfather made him realise that family should and must always be the pillar of who he is as a person. It was a lesson that would serve him well in time to come. Life is a sweet concept but death is a bitter truth we all never want to embrace.

The smile of a lifetime

 Like every other kid he was never so concerned when it came to the concept of love. To him love meant liking a girl, holding hands and kisses.  Such a simple and innocent grasp of the emotion that is love. But little did he know how much the emotion love would affect his life. But the first time he actually fell in love was in primary 3.

 It was a newly built school so it was everybody’s first day at school in the new school. He gave his father a and his mother a big hug before leaving them at the entrance of the school. He loved school. Comparing to who his now he would rather have stayed home than go to school his younger self was far from it and he accepted it. He walked in with a smile on his face and an eagerness to hopefully see his friends from his previous school. A huge new school and it had 8 floors of mysteries awaiting him. He was directed by a teacher to head up the staircase and to make his way the school hall on level three and as made his way he did. He started seeing other students making friends even before reaching the hall. But he still hadn’t seen any one he knew. The hall. A huge two floored hall with dark shiny wooden floors and a massive stage for performances to be held and a second floor with a gallery that showed the whole grandeur of the hall. He was impressed and in awe of the size. He saw a board with the class he was assigned to and he took a seat on the floor behind another kid who was too busy talking to another kid in front of him. He took his bag off and placed it in front of him and just started gazing at the beauty of the massive hall. And then looked to his right to see and everything froze in that moment . He saw a girl with a tan skin tone ,hair tied in a ponytail and a smile that would make the angels in heaven envious of. She was looking directly at him and it took him a good twenty seconds before realising how awkward that was. He looked at the ground smiling and it was a new feeling to him. He felt immense happiness and yet he was still in awe at how one person made him feel this happiness without saying a word and with just a smile. She made him smile and be it for a good reason or bad, that smiled stayed with him from that day on. But being the timid and coward he was for years in school he never spoke to her because they were in different classes but of the same year. When he did speak to her though,it was the last year of primary school for them and he had only 3 months left to speak to a girl whom he loved from the moment he saw her. It was one of those cliché things to do. At almost every table he sat at every year and every lesson he’d use a marker and scribble her name on the table. She was a reason he looked forward to going to school every day. So at this point he realised that the upcoming inter house games were coming.  Like phaeton the son of helios who dared to dream he took the chance and played at every event he could take part in to have her notice him. And then came his time. A simple game of handball but this one was so different than any other game as he was in the mixed gender team with her. Every chance he got he gave the ball to her and even saying her name out before passing the ball to her and she’d do the same. Hearing her say his name gave his so much happiness and made him be more determined to win the event. And win the event was what he did. Their house placed first and he was given the award of most valuable player but all that didn’t matter as now she looked at him and applauded his victory. After years they finally got to speak. He was so nervous yet he kept his calm and was so direct and clear in his conversation with her. But the end of the year came and even though all those years he never told her how he felt he still felt content that he was able to feel that emotion and he left it all in those years. Fast forward to a time where he was a man and he is broken emotionally and love is an emotion he hold so dear to his heart. He wants nothing more than to be able to look at another person in their eyes and see their love reflected back the way he does.

 He stands tall and even has the nickname gentle giant from his mother but all he yearns for is to be loved by another person who isn’t connected to him by blood but by the emotion love was created for. He had been through the most purest form of love to the most twisted type of love. But he withstood so much heartbreak and yet he lives another day hoping that his time will come. Around him in his life he sees his friends falling in love and getting married and he prays to god each night that he will be blessed enough to find that kind of love. He has gone through so much that he isn’t afraid anymore of being heartbroken as he only knows that failure is just an early attempt at success. Faith as his shield and love as his sword in life he carries on with the pain in hopes he will one day be truly complete. But till that day comes, he will always be himself and he will always stay true to his beliefs. She made him find his smile ,a smile he’d wear for the rest of his life. 

FAITH

FAITH

When the year started i told myself it'll be a good year and that as usual it would be a year filled with happiness and lessons to be learnt. Its only February and I've learnt so much already. To whoever who takes the time out of their lives to read this i want you to know that YES i did have a girlfriend whom i was very happy with. But it ended the week after being together for a month. I was pretty angry after the breakup (who wouldn't be angry? ) but i'm in a much better place now and i couldn't be more thankful for my good friend kenta who actually bothered to take me out and make sure i was filling myself with anger and negativity after what the breakup. So thank you brother for being there for me. 

But that wasn't the big reason i was feeling so down. The reason was i lost my cousins.It all started when i felt like i was the cousin that could be replaced. Everybody was always 
known for their individual personality but for me i was only known for being the negative one,the emo one and the one that had a big mouth. If only they knew how much I've learnt to shut up and listen more these days and that i have a big heart as well. When the breakup happened, NOT A SINGLE ONE of them bothered to call and put aside what had happened and just talk. That got me thinking. Do they even want me to be a part of their lives anymore? Do they even notice my existence? Was i really right about being replaceable?  But all of that made me realise how strong i was and that i was going to be 'okay'. I've come to embrace being alone now and that i cant force people to love me for who i am but i can always just be myself. Its only the mid of february and so much has happened. I am grateful for the people who bothered to text me and make sure i was fine. Thank you. Me starting a blog was just a way for me to express myself because a human being can only suppress his emotions for so long before he loses his mind.So thank you to whoever is reading this for doing so,i know its nothing amazing but this is who i am and i will continue to write on here more.

SHASI